Out of reach

"Knew the time wasn't right/I was stupid for a while/Swept away by you/And now I feel like a fool..."

I heard this song years ago, I think in a Bridget Jones movie.  Gabrielle somebody or other sings it.  The words have somehow always resonated with me.  You ever feel like nothing you ever do is good enough?  I'm 32 years old.  I still make the same stupid mistakes I've made my entire adult life.  Bad timing.  Wrong people.  Too much trust.  Too many feelings.  Ill-advised attachments.  The list goes on.  Right now, there's one thing I want more than anything in the world.  One.  But it just may be impossible.  This probably shouldn't make me feel stupid, but it does.  Because it's not the first time I've made this mistake.  Try as I might, I can't figure out why something would be dangled in front of me...why a person would be brought into my life that I would find so much love for...why I spend my days confused, disappointed, and lonely...just to lose in the end.  Again.  The worst part?  Somebody else has what I want.  But they don't appreciate it.  At all.  All the time I'd give anything to spend...wasted.  All the love I wish for every day...unused.  All the help I'd sometimes kill for...unappreciated.  I alternate between furiously angry, crushingly sad, increasingly frustrated, and heartbreakingly lonely.  Honestly, I wouldn't change the roller coaster ride for anything, because the highs have been amazing.  I've found friendship, trust, comfort, and joy like I've never known.  But the lows may get me yet.  I just want to stomp my feet and whine about how it's not fair.  Then I remember saying this to my parents when I was growing up.  Their response every time was, "Life's not fair."  Oh, how we learn.  Truthfully, they were more right than I wish they had been.  Life really isn't fair.  We lose people we love, we go through extremely difficult times, we work ourselves ragged, we learn the hard way.  My inner toddler is right.  It's not fair.  But it's life.  All I can do is put on my big girl panties and cross my fingers that maybe someday I'll get to be the winner...that I'll get the chance to show him the way he deserves to be treated...that I'll get to be there every day...that we will get to share all the things I dream of.  And if not, I'll have to keep those panties on and remember I've been through tougher things and come out the other side.  I'm still here.  It's just...every time I lose again it's harder to pick myself up again.  Maybe that comes with getting older.  Or maybe it comes from just being tired of it all.  Because as cliche and childish as it is, I can't help wishing that my life was a little more fair.  That's all.