"Knew the time wasn't right/I was stupid for a while/Swept away by you/And now I feel like a fool..."
I heard this song years ago, I think in a Bridget Jones movie. Gabrielle somebody or other sings it. The words have somehow always resonated with me. You ever feel like nothing you ever do is good enough? I'm 32 years old. I still make the same stupid mistakes I've made my entire adult life. Bad timing. Wrong people. Too much trust. Too many feelings. Ill-advised attachments. The list goes on. Right now, there's one thing I want more than anything in the world. One. But it just may be impossible. This probably shouldn't make me feel stupid, but it does. Because it's not the first time I've made this mistake. Try as I might, I can't figure out why something would be dangled in front of me...why a person would be brought into my life that I would find so much love for...why I spend my days confused, disappointed, and lonely...just to lose in the end. Again. The worst part? Somebody else has what I want. But they don't appreciate it. At all. All the time I'd give anything to spend...wasted. All the love I wish for every day...unused. All the help I'd sometimes kill for...unappreciated. I alternate between furiously angry, crushingly sad, increasingly frustrated, and heartbreakingly lonely. Honestly, I wouldn't change the roller coaster ride for anything, because the highs have been amazing. I've found friendship, trust, comfort, and joy like I've never known. But the lows may get me yet. I just want to stomp my feet and whine about how it's not fair. Then I remember saying this to my parents when I was growing up. Their response every time was, "Life's not fair." Oh, how we learn. Truthfully, they were more right than I wish they had been. Life really isn't fair. We lose people we love, we go through extremely difficult times, we work ourselves ragged, we learn the hard way. My inner toddler is right. It's not fair. But it's life. All I can do is put on my big girl panties and cross my fingers that maybe someday I'll get to be the winner...that I'll get the chance to show him the way he deserves to be treated...that I'll get to be there every day...that we will get to share all the things I dream of. And if not, I'll have to keep those panties on and remember I've been through tougher things and come out the other side. I'm still here. It's just...every time I lose again it's harder to pick myself up again. Maybe that comes with getting older. Or maybe it comes from just being tired of it all. Because as cliche and childish as it is, I can't help wishing that my life was a little more fair. That's all.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The Jets
No, not as in "b-b-b-bennie and" or the infamous West Side Story gang. The Jets are my new job. :) I cannot put into words how elated I am. I finally got a teaching job! After all the rejections and all the frustrations and all the low-paying retail jobs, I have finally been given a chance to prove teaching is my passion. I am so excited to see what I can do. I'll be teaching 7&8 grade language arts, which incorporates everything I love. Grammar, spelling, writing, reading...you name it. Yes, I'm aware I'm a nerd. But all those really do something for me! It has been a long two years, but the drought is over. Not a moment too soon. Here's to new beginnings and a better life. Cheers!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
10 Simple Rules for Being a Grownup
Today's lesson is on how to act like the grownup you are. Pay attention, people. Chances are this applies to you. I myself am often guilty. By following these simple rules, you can act your age...not your shoe size. (You Prince fans will get the reference. Just a side note, that line comes from one of my favorite songs EVER.)
1. If you have a PERSONAL problem with a person with whom you work in a PROFESSIONAL capacity, separate the two. Simple as that. Be professional and mature in your workplace. There's a reason toddlers are not allowed to hold jobs.
2. When dealing with a group of adults whose sole purpose in life seems to be to tear down others, don't join in. That seems pretty self-explanatory, yet so many of us do it to "look cool". We're not in high school anymore. There may still be cliques and various social groups in adulthood, but we don't have to participate. The adult world is so much bigger than the high school world.
3. Some people are just plain stupid. There's no tactful way to explain that. Whether they were dropped on their heads as babies or they are just a few colors short of a full crayon box, they're here. Deal with it. They're not going anywhere. Smile, nod, say, "Bless your heart", and move on.
4. I once read a quote, and I can't remember who said it or where it came from or exactly the right wording. It was something about how some people are in your lives for a novel while others are only short stories. The point is, we learn something from each and every one of them. It's okay to grieve when someone is no longer present in your life, but then you have to get over it and appreciate the ones who still are. Just make sure the mistakes teach you something.
5. You don't have to do something just because somebody tells you to. Period.
6. Your children are exactly that. Your children. You are the grownup. Stop letting them run all over you and dictate your life and your decisions. You look like a dumbass who has no control over his or her own children.
7. Life sucks sometimes. It's part of growing up. Accept it and figure out how to change the suckiness you can. Otherwise, suck it up. Refer to the Serenity Prayer if you need help. You know, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Those addiction support groups really hit pay dirt with that one.
8. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. Whether you hate your job, you're in a crappy relationship, you have a friend who isn't really a friend, or whatever else makes you unhappy, you can change it. Be as happy as you can in the time you are given. After all, who knows how much time each of us is given?
9. Don't let people cut you down or talk to you like you're a child. You're an adult, and part of what goes with that is being able to stand up for yourself. In a grownup way of course. We'd all love to throw ourselves on the ground and throw a tantrum worthy of the most unruly toddler. Don't do it. Stay calm and assert your worth.
10. Pardon the French...shit happens. Every. Single. Day. You may not always get to choose the shit that's flung at you, but you can choose how you deal with it. You get to choose with whom you surround yourself. You get to choose every step you take and every decision you make. Remember when you were a kid and you couldn't wait to grow up and do all the great things that went along with that? Now remember when you realized how stupid that was? We can't go back to our childhoods. We make the most we can with what we have. Remember the great things about being grown up. Remind yourself of one of those every day, then go be the best, smartest, happiest grownup you can be.
I need to remember these lessons myself constantly. I'm more guilty of some than others. The point is, stop acting like a child if you're not one. It makes you look petty and immature and downright dumb sometimes.
1. If you have a PERSONAL problem with a person with whom you work in a PROFESSIONAL capacity, separate the two. Simple as that. Be professional and mature in your workplace. There's a reason toddlers are not allowed to hold jobs.
2. When dealing with a group of adults whose sole purpose in life seems to be to tear down others, don't join in. That seems pretty self-explanatory, yet so many of us do it to "look cool". We're not in high school anymore. There may still be cliques and various social groups in adulthood, but we don't have to participate. The adult world is so much bigger than the high school world.
3. Some people are just plain stupid. There's no tactful way to explain that. Whether they were dropped on their heads as babies or they are just a few colors short of a full crayon box, they're here. Deal with it. They're not going anywhere. Smile, nod, say, "Bless your heart", and move on.
4. I once read a quote, and I can't remember who said it or where it came from or exactly the right wording. It was something about how some people are in your lives for a novel while others are only short stories. The point is, we learn something from each and every one of them. It's okay to grieve when someone is no longer present in your life, but then you have to get over it and appreciate the ones who still are. Just make sure the mistakes teach you something.
5. You don't have to do something just because somebody tells you to. Period.
6. Your children are exactly that. Your children. You are the grownup. Stop letting them run all over you and dictate your life and your decisions. You look like a dumbass who has no control over his or her own children.
7. Life sucks sometimes. It's part of growing up. Accept it and figure out how to change the suckiness you can. Otherwise, suck it up. Refer to the Serenity Prayer if you need help. You know, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Those addiction support groups really hit pay dirt with that one.
8. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. Whether you hate your job, you're in a crappy relationship, you have a friend who isn't really a friend, or whatever else makes you unhappy, you can change it. Be as happy as you can in the time you are given. After all, who knows how much time each of us is given?
9. Don't let people cut you down or talk to you like you're a child. You're an adult, and part of what goes with that is being able to stand up for yourself. In a grownup way of course. We'd all love to throw ourselves on the ground and throw a tantrum worthy of the most unruly toddler. Don't do it. Stay calm and assert your worth.
10. Pardon the French...shit happens. Every. Single. Day. You may not always get to choose the shit that's flung at you, but you can choose how you deal with it. You get to choose with whom you surround yourself. You get to choose every step you take and every decision you make. Remember when you were a kid and you couldn't wait to grow up and do all the great things that went along with that? Now remember when you realized how stupid that was? We can't go back to our childhoods. We make the most we can with what we have. Remember the great things about being grown up. Remind yourself of one of those every day, then go be the best, smartest, happiest grownup you can be.
I need to remember these lessons myself constantly. I'm more guilty of some than others. The point is, stop acting like a child if you're not one. It makes you look petty and immature and downright dumb sometimes.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Rain is a good thing...
I have heard so many people say rain and cloudy days depress them. Me? I could sit on my back patio all day watching the rain and listening to the thunder while reading a good book. I absolutely love this kind of weather...especially in the middle of July after a week of 100+ degree weather. You won't hear me complain anytime soon. Maybe ever. This is heaven.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Heatwave
I was not built for this heat, y'all. A week of 100 plus degree weather has me going crazy. I say this every summer, of course. I always fantasize about moving somewhere the heat does not get this crazy. I never follow through though. I wonder why that is. At this point, though, I'm thisfreakingclose to stripping naked and screaming, "I'm melllllltinnnnnggggg!", a la Wicked Witch of the West. Great movie scene by the way. Off to guzzle some more water and lie around fanning myself.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Still I Rise
Interesting how things get away from us, isn't it? I started out my 30th year full of optimism for the future and promises to blog more consistently. Here I am approaching my 32nd birthday and I haven't blogged since I turned 30 and have become more cynical and bitter than I ever thought possible. I've had such difficulty finding a job I can enjoy...that pays what I'm worth...that uses my degree and/or teaching certification...that will allow me to be the best mom I can be. I've worked a string of dead-end, low-paying, back-breaking jobs in these two years. I've been more broke than ever before. Still, I rise. That's Maya Angelou, you know. Smart, strong, classy lady if there ever was one. Right now it feels like I'm in the middle of the darkest tunnel ever built...and there's no light at the end in sight. Which means the end is really far away, right??? That's not very inspiring. I'm at what may very well be the lowest point of my life so far. I know it could be SO much worse...people are dying, losing loved ones, serving in the military oversees, starving, homeless. I'm none of those. I have an amazing family, great friends, an awesome kid, a roof over my head and food to eat. I'm ok. But still... Hard to be thankful when you're in the midst of so much turmoil and your head feels like it will explode any second. When you've heard "no" (or not heard at all!) for the 5,402,345th time. But still. I rise. I didn't even know that poem would serve as inspiration for this post until I started typing. The words just appeared on the screen as if typed by someone else. Fate? God? The ghost of Miss Angelou herself? Who knows? I do know this. I'll be printing it out and taping it beside my bed for everyday reading. I think Maya teaches us with that that it doesn't matter how people treat you. What trials and tribulations you've been through. What your station in life may be. Whatever this is...a tunnel, an abyss, a black hole...somehow, some way, someday...I will rise. Thanks, Maya. I'd almost forgotten.
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Maya Angelou
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